So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
