I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
