Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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