so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
