Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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