sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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