I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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