Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I don't deserve a penis
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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