Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I need to calm my uterus...
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I'm both gender and math confused
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
