Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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