Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
