I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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