So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
