Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
