we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
