I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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