hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
