I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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