So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
