Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
