Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
