I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
