I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
