I wannas sexs uuuuu
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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