Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
