I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
