you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I think I sprained my soul last night
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
