she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
