How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
