I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
