You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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