Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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