I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
