And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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