It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
