i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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