If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Randomize
