I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
