I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
