my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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