Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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