i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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