just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
