I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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