Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
