I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
