My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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