his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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