That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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