I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
