Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
