From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize