peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I am one with the molecules
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
