I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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